CUNT!

So this is how it’s going to be?

Sometimes I wonder if you really see me. I wonder if you can tell what I’m thinking, or how I feel. I wonder if you can hear my unspoken promises, my dreams, my fears. I figured myself out slowly. I figured out what I want. I figured out what I need.

best thing i’ve ever heard.

random drunk text… Mustard is like Jesus in yellow tight. Your mouth is God’s brothel. Drunk: why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? Sober: I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle Dork…….. ………. .. . …… ……….. .. . … …… .. . …. ….. .. …. … ………. …… ….. Yeah its morse code, no big deal I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs. Heybabeimwearingurpanties GOD I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!!!!!!!

my spirituality.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my spirituality…
I’ve been feeling a little more disconnected from things than I’m comfortable with.
From people.
From things.
From nature.
From myself.
It’s not good at all.
I’m kind of tired of not knowing what I believe in.
I know I dont believe in a god or multiple gods…it’s just not for me.
I know I’m more into the natural aspect of things.
so I’ve been researching.

I’ve looked into a lot of religions.
…I dont like the idea of worshiping anything beyond this world.

I’ve looked into buddhism.
…Interesting.
…Not for me.

I love meditation.
…It’s helped more than anything lately.

About a month ago I started reading about and working with my chakras.
…and I’m really interested.
….I also think it’s really awkward how Justin mentioned them last weekend while we were at Miah’s house.

I’m going to start working on empathy as a practice.
…I’ve been exposed to this before and I really like it. Even if there can be consequenses.

Existentialism is an interesting theory.

I think my moral Issues class is to blame for this shift.
But it’s all for the better.
I need a focus.
It’s been so long since I’ve had something like that.
I also want to start doing yoga!
I’m going to try to make my mom do it too.
For our health, spirituality, and our relationship.

A letter to a friend…

I feel REALLY strange.
I feel like I should be more upset…but I’m really not.
I want to talk face to face still, but I’m almost certain things will never be the same.
I want to smoke out with you at least one more time!
Maybe while we’re talking.
No yelling.
No fighting.
No tears.
Just talking.
So we can come to an understanding.
We rushed into this.
I’m not letting us rush out.
I’m going to be your friend no matter what!! There is no way I’m letting 4 months of friendship be nothing…

There’s a lot I haven’t said, and a lot I feel like I still need to say.
So I’m saying it.
Getting it out in the open.

You didn’t want a serious relationship.
Neither did I.
I wanted someone I could have sex with that didn’t make me feel like a slut.
You were that.
I was planning on keeping it casual.

That first night that we had sex, you cuddled with me.
You made me feel special.
I knew it wasn’t something to read too far into.
I left while you were asleep.
I don’t even remember saying bye.
I still planned on keeping it casual.
The next time we had sex it was the same.
You cuddled, I left while you were asleep.

A month later…
Did you really expect for me to keep at it?
Of course I started to have feelings for you.
You can ask Asia, ask my mom…I was a little freaked out.
I didn’t want that.
But I couldn’t walk away.

I kept telling myself…
After this weekend, I’m not going to go over there anymore.
I’m not going to call or text unless he does.
It never lasted long before I was over there.

You said things that no “Fuck Buddy” should EVER say!!!
You told me I was beautiful.
You touched me on my face like I was more than that girl you have sex with.
You kissed me in front of all of your friends.
You made it known that we were more than just friends.

I had never been in this kind of situation. I followed your lead.
It wasn’t a secret.

I told you i like holding hands. With EVERYONE.
I hold hands with Asia, my mom, Deanna… all in front of you.
It’s just what I do.
If you didn’t like that you should have let me know early on.

The same goes for kissing. I enjoy kissing. It’s one of my favorite past times!
I would have respected your need for less or even none in public. I can’t read your mind though.

I’ve tried to back off. I think you mentioned that you’d noticed.
We were learning about each other. All you ever had to do was say something.
I told you what I liked and didn’t like.

How could you treat me like you did if you really hated so much about me?

I’m not afraid of a relationship anymore.
I’m not afraid of falling in love.
I’m not afraid of getting hurt.
I’m laying it all out on the table.
I don’t think it’s possible after everything you said to me for me to ever feel those feelings for you.
I don’t think I could ever be your “girlfriend”.
It would be hard to even be your friend.
I’m not going to miss out because I’m afraid!!